Journal from the Heart

JOURNAL FROM THE HEART 9/2010
This will most likely be one of my longest post and most personal on the site ever. Please bear with me as I feel that it is of the utmost importance to testify of God’s grace and goodness and his sufficient supply in the times of our needs and trials. As most of you know I am experiencing some problems with this pregnancy and it has brought me to the cross more than once. I could wait to see the outcome then testify of God’s goodness, yet that is not what God is calling me to do. Paul did not wait until his freedom of circumstances, his deliverance from jail or trails to speak of the goodness of God – Elohim (The Lord of Lords). This is my most difficult as the subject is so new and raw in my own heart and as I am still in the midst of this storm – yet God has begun a transformation that is beautiful. I trust completely in his will and know that his ways are far above my own. I believe that every life is not without purpose – from the very moment of conception – that moment when it is placed in your womb before you even know it. That life is not without significance and purpose. For me to see it any other any other way would be to negate the very word of God that states from beginning to end this very thing : He knew us before he placed us, he knit together our inner most parts, he ordained us, set us apart, numbered our days, laid out a plan for our lives, and gave us a certain end! This means from the very moment we are placed our life is important and begins to have an effect on this very world. We become a testimony of God. So let me share with you my journal. I do not know the reason other than to let you all know that “The Right Christian thing to do” flew out the window and ONLY a personal relationship with Christ is the anchor - - - all the church, all the “right” words, all the scripture quoting, all the songs - - - they do nothing. Only that relationship that faith in Elohim makes the difference. Faith has become more for me than a word, a work - it is my reality – for it is these things that I can not see that have made this present trial bearable, it has kept me from being overwhelmed by fear and doubt. Faith is truly rejecting this reality for the reality of the cross and this being done the circumstance does not change but the view does!
9/4/2010
I have started this a few days late but none the-less here it is – my testimony of the goodness of God in my life. On Sunday (6 days ago) Brent and I headed to the ER as a cramped and bled. Brent prayed over our child as we drove down the highway, both us clung to the promises of our God. Repeating that we walk by faith not my sight and that which God has promised he is able to deliver. When the doctor came back with a negative report I sat stunned unable to react. “Good HCG, visable yolk sac and gestational sac – NO BABY….Could be that you have already miscarried and the baby is already absorbed or could be that it is just too early”. The bleeding and cramping had stopped, but what to do with this information. On our way home we decided again that we would cling to God’s promises. We began to rejoice that our reality was not the report of man, but it was the promises of God (the things we can not see). The next morning we both awoke rejoicing in the promises of God almighty. It was this day we called our baby Caleb Levi. Calab because when he was old he still said “give me my mountain” and Levi for the keepers of God’s law.
This morning I rolled over to a sudden tremendous gush of blood and clots. This was followed very quickly by the onset of labor like pains that immediately brought tears. I called Brooxie and then Marni who came to set with the children. Again, numbness came over me – was this it? Would this be good-bye to our child? My spirit strove against my flesh and the overwhelming fear and darkness of the enemy. “Your reality child is not this which you see and feel – it is Jesus Christ – You MUST focus on Jesus Christ or you will be overwhelmed by the fear and the darkness of the enemy”.
So silently as pain pulled at my body I repeated to myself: “ You are my strong tower, you are by help in this trial, you are my strength, you are my courage – I will not question your ways that are greater than mine no matter what – I will not questions your ways – increase my faith Lord, nor will I surrender readily that which you have given to me over to the enemy. You alone are able to give and take. You are able to deliver me – I trust you will to be worked out completely for your glory, what ever it be – I walk by faith and faith requires only that I focus on the cross…. You are my strong tower……”
Again, Brent and I prayed over our child claiming scriptures over him and the promise that God is able. This time the pain and bleeding did not stop instead it increased. But this time on the sonogram was a strong beating heart – a healthy baby!!! Blood work good – bleeding coming from where the pregnancy or placenta had tried to attach. If it stops and attaches all is well – follow up in a week.
I think that I have cried more today than in my life. But God has whispered into my ear that he would lead me into green pastures – these are the prayer and comfort of my church family. The still waters have been the comfort and refreshment of God’s word.
I have come to understand in a new way the phrase “the valley of the shadow of death” found in Psalm 23. As I traverse this valley of suffering my heart goes from breaking to rejoicing. You see death is just that a “shadow” – that which was and that which could have or might have been. A Shadow much like the one created by the sun as it hits one side of your body casting a image of you. You can step on your own shadow, but you can never walk from your toe to your head nor catch up to your own shadow. Yet someone else can walk through your shadow, stand in your shadow. You feel nothing as they pass through the shadow because it is merely a gauzy reflection of you. But for the person walking through this shadowy valley our emotions well up as tide within us and threaten to overtake us as we consider what could have been and what was.
I am in this valley of uncertain times – but I have found the meaning of comfort of God’s rod and staff. You see God does not want us focused on the shadow – death may or may not come – our certaintity I this only that if the shadow does not fade then the life is still there and when it does fade it fades into the Son of Eternity – the brightness of heaven’s light. Our time is here and now this present moment. I have found that this is the place of faith refinement. A place our sight can be changed from here and now to the sight of faith. A place where we are each called to at sometime and we are faced with this charge: “Choose ye this day whom you will serve – the God of your fathers or the god of this world (the enemy), What reality will be yours? – The reality of God’s promise or the reality of the Father’s of lies and shadows and fears? Will you put o the whole armor of God and having done so will you stand? Will you stay in your bean field faced with your Goliath and having done all stand?”
9/7/2010

We made it to the OB appointment. There again was our baby – healthy beating heart! The negative the uterus is filled with clots, BUT here again the miracle and provisions of GOD!!! The clots are above and around the baby outside the sac. They are not near the placenta that is very well attached. The bleed is above the baby!!
God's hand clearly over our child, clearly protecting him! Overwhelmed at God’s goodness I proclaimed it there “THAT IS THE GREATNESS OF MY GOD” MY God – the one I serve the one that heard My prayers – the one that loves ME!!! Tears flowed down my face – I do not know if the doctor thought I was crazy or not. I listened as he repeated the rest – blood work weekly, 50/50 chance of survival, sonograms weekly, rest and take it easy, must monitor the clots and make sure they are dissolving and coming out, bleed will hopefully heal on its own.
On the way home more prayer and proclamation of God’s promises.
This week my church family has done what it does always – freely given of itself to the service of others. They have been my green pastures. They have faithfully lifted up our family in prayers. They have brought meals every day – a blessing much needed in this first week of adjustment. They have spoken words of affirmation. They have showered us with love and comfort – only God could have planned it this way!
Our family has drawn together in prayer and God’s word has strengthened us .
Every once in a while I am drawn back to the statement 50/50, but God has given me this – we are each only guaranteed a this moment. We each have only a 50/50 chance to make it through this day. For our days are numbered by our God and he alone holds the time for each of us. So this day I will choose the reality of faith – things which I can not see, I will rest in promises breathed in the living Word of God, I will cling to the cross, I will choose this day to surrender to His will for His purpose, to rejoice in this present provision that he has given us. I will choose to give testimony of His Goodness and to be thankful in this.